Awkward

I don't know what the deal is. I haven't had anything to write about. Nothing but a bunch of negative hpts. Actually, I'm just sick of it all, to be completely honest.
I blame this mood on hormones or the lack of, lol. There are just so many things in my head and I'm holding it back for the most part but it's becoming difficult. 
I want to give my daughter a sibling. I want to have a complete family. I want to feel normal. I want to be thin and healthy. 
I need a new approach to this. Not sure how but somethings got to give, right?

Four years ago today

Ava-March 26th, 2007. 8lbs 3oz 21inches

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Happy 4th birthday my little princess.
I love you
Stop growing up so fast :)
XOXOXOXO

Our little secret

We joined a local gym 4 months ago and really got into it. With our schedules A goes 2 times a week by himself and I go whenever I can. Last night was a rare occasion when we were actually able to go together. Not that it matters much because we act like strangers while we're there. It just makes me feel more comfortable to know he's there with me. Plus it's fun to sneak a peak at him while he's lifting weights and feel like we're young again, being flirty. Exchanging flirty glances every once in a while like we know something nobody else knows.
Last night we were working out and we played our usual game. I was on the elliptical. He was on the bench press and I gave him a wink. The lady next to me (I'm guessing in her 50's) looked over at me and gave me this look. She started to grin and says "He's got a ring on his finger. That's just playing with fire". I couldn't help but laugh. She went on to tell me about a man she was seeing when she was in her 20's that was married and how it was exciting at first but ended in heartbreak. I explained that WE were married to each other and she calmed down a little. She got a funny look in her eye and asked if we like that sort of role play, games and such. Then it got weird. As she got off of her machine, she slipped me her business card. Want to take a guess at what she does for a living? Sells 'exotic' toys and other unmentionables. Then my mind went to the gutter. I don't think we'll be playing that game for a while. I have to get this picture out of my head first.

This got me thinking. Is there anything that you do to help keep the fire burning while TTC? It becomes a mission, a job. I don't want to loose our passion. Anyone do the same? 

The Egg Dance

Thanks to a wonderful friend from twitter, I learned of a new dance! The egg dance. 

Saturday night was a full moon. The biggest moon I've seen in a while and everyone on twitter was abuzz. Feeling totally out of the loop I asked and was surprised to learn. You crack an egg by your garden and walk around it 3 times. It's supposed to help get you pregnant. I know my neighbors (who are VERY nosey) thought I was a complete lunatic walking around my plants but I did it.

Now we wait. 2 weeks to be exact. I feel good. 

Can't help but smile :)

Toy Story 3 on Ice

A few pictures from today... she was VERY surprised :-)

A horn a day

I'm not quite sure if anyone truly knows how much I love using my horn. Shameful, I know, but I can't help it! Nothing feels better when some jerk pulls out in front of you. It's one of those things that my husband teases me about constantly.

I had to work last week and my husband asked to use my truck. Not out of the ordinary for him to ask, so I let him drop me off. After my shift, I got into the truck and he had his friend and Ava with him. Everyone was giggling. Come to find out he installed some kind of obnoxiously loud horn. A train horn to be exact. I have yet to use it for fear someone will throw something at my truck. Maybe it was his way of making me tone it down? Who knows but it's the thought that counts, right?

I'll leave you with this video, just so you get the idea. 
(fyi- this is NOT my vehicle. Borrowed from youtube.com)

Mommy's little helper

Mommy's little helper

Waiting (tapping her fingers)

Sneaking a taste

Allow me to introduce myself

It's probably fear that has kept me away from blogs. My fear that family will see that I'm blogging my feelings and start asking questions.

Most of our family doesn't know about my infertility problems and I'd like to keep it that way. People always seem to get this look of pity in their eyes and say "relax and it will happen" and then I feel like slapping them in the face.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 17. We didn't start dating until the next year in 2002, the summer before my senior year. I had just been to the doctor because my monthly cycles stopped. I was told because of the depo shot it was common to stop your cycle and start up after you stop taking the shot. I switched to birth control pills and thought that would help.

In the years after my DH A(boyfriend at the time) moved in together. I stopped taking my birth control because my cycles never came back and my then current OB/GYN told me I wasn't ovulating. He said "it may be just a little pcos and nothing to worry about. When your ready to have children we can put you on a medication and it wont take long to get pregnant". I threw my pills away and we stopped using protection.  My period never came back.

I started loosing a lot of weight and really started to feel good about myself. On July 4th of 2006 we celebrated with friends. I can remember feeling sick at the thought of chicken cooking on the grill. The next couple of weeks after I started feeling sick. My DH thought I should take a pregnancy test and just to get him off my back, I did. It was negative so it was put in the trash. That night I had some crazy dreams. Dreams that I was a fish laying eggs. It was so weird that the next day I couldn't help but think, what if it was wrong? I went to the trash can and saw the test from the day before. I could not believe my eyes. 

It was positive. 

My heart dropped.

Perfect pregnancy up to the 4th month. I had to have my appendix removed when I was just 4 months into the pregnancy which was scary but everything worked out. I gave birth to our daughter, Ava, on March 26th, 2007. Ever since that day I've dreamed of giving her a sibling but things aren't happening the way we'd like. We got married in 2008 and have been happy ever since. 

I was accepted into an infertility study at the request of my new OB/GYN last year and started treatments which would eventually lead to IVF. I've done rounds of clomid and have suffered loss (I'll save that post for another day). I'm starting this with the hopes that writing things down will help me get my feelings out and not to bottle them up so much. This is my journey...